The Barbarian Birthday Dirge

To the Tune of "The Volga Boatmen"
Chorus: (Sing after every pair of lines)
Happy Birthday. [Hunh!] Happy Birthday. [Hunh!]

Death, destruction, and despair
People dying everywhere

May the cities in your wake
Burn like candles on your cake,

May your deeds with sword and axe
Equal those with sheep and yaks,

Your servants steal, your wife's untrue,
Your children plot to murder you,

They stole your sword, your gold, your house,
Took your sheep but not your spouse,

This one lesson you must learn,
First you plunder, then you burn

Hear the Women Wail and Weep
Kill them all, But Spare the Sheep

May the children in the Street
Be your barbecueing Meat

Indigestion's what you get
From the enemies you 'et,

Children dying far and near
They say that cancer's caused by bheer

Typhoid, plague and polio
Coffins lined up in a row

Pestilence has struck your town
You yourself feel quite run-down

So you've aged another year
Now you know that Death is near

When you've reached this age you know
That the mind is first to go,

See the wrinkles on your face
Like the pattern of fine lace

Soon your hair will all turn grey
Then fall out (or so they say)

Now you are the age you are
Your demise cannot be far

We brought linen, white as cloud,
Now we'll sit and sew your shroud,

Birthdays come but once a year,
Marking time as Death draws near,

Now another year has passed
Don't look now they're gaining fast!

It's your birthday never fear
You'll be dead this time next year