If writing is action, intended to produce changes in events and attitudes, then the words themselves should move efficiently and clearly toward a meaning. Notice how the meaning of the following sentence emerges as words are either dropped or simplified:

• Our vast collection of information on cost encouraged committee movement toward consideration of project funding implementation factors.

• With our vast cost data in hand, the committee moved toward considering how to implement project funding.

• Using our cost data, the committee considered how to fund the project.

The noun content of the original sentence decreases from 10 to 6 to 4. Explain these changes.

A Lifetime Rule for Moving Your Sentences

1. Ask yourself, "Who's doing what to whom?"

2. Put the actor into the subject position.

3. Put the action into the verb.

4. Start fast!

   Notice that in the first sentence, the actors are hidden within a modifying word and an abstract noun (committee movement), and the verbs are disguised in nouns (consideration, funding). In the revised sentence, the writer states his meaning clearly in one efficient modifying phrase (Using our cost data), a noun implying people rather than abstractions (committee), and two clear verb forms (considered, to fund). The sequence is normal S-V-O order.

   More examples:

   Noun-centered sentences such as the one revised above usually stumble along with weak verbs--because the real action in the sentence is hidden in one of the abstract nouns. Consider the difference between the verbs in these sentences:

   • There will be a reorganization of the league by the athletic directors after a re-evaluation of the football season has taken place.
   • The athletic directors will reorganize the league after they re-evaluate the football season.

   The verbs in the revision are more specific than the weak "to be" and the colorless "has taken place" of the first sentence. Notice also that in the first sentence the active verbs lie hidden in their noun forms, "reorganization" and "re-evaluation."

   Weak verbs:

   held a meeting vs. met
   experienced a drop vs. dropped
   prepared a survey vs. surveyed
   arrived at a decision vs. decided

   Application: Review your own writing. Rewrite a flat or passive passage, putting action into the verbs and moving the sentences more briskly.

   ---

   3. COORDINATE!

   "...only connect."--Joseph Conrad The Heart of Darkness

   How can we coordinate our sentences and paragraphs and maintain the movement we've been discussing? By writing consistent "subject-verb/actor-action" sentences, we have taken one step--because repetition (the good kind) is one way to coordinate our thoughts and keep the reader on track.

   For example: Susan and her lab partner set up their equipment at 1:00 p.m. They wanted to test their apparatus before the 2:00 p.m. demonstration.

   Repetition is the simplest form of transition. Other words or expressions may add, oppose, conclude, exemplify, intensify, or rank.

   • in addition to
   • for example
   • however
   • in fact
   • therefore
   • first, second
   • also
   • for instance
   • nevertheless
   • even
   • consequently
   • finally
   • furthermore
   • to illustrate
   • on the other hand
   • indeed
   • as a result
   • to sum up

   These transitions work best when used in the first six words of the sentence.

   A third coordinating technique lies within the sentence: Express familiar, less important information at the beginning of the sentence and new, significant information at the end--where you can emphasize it.

   For example: Notice the difference between this pair of sentences and the revision.

   1. Catalystic converters are required equipment on almost all new cars sold in the U.S.

   2. Removing undesirable emissions, particularly sulfates, from the cars' exhaust gases is the purpose of those converters.

   3. The purpose of these converters is to remove undesirable emissions, particularly sulfates, from the cars' exhaust gases.

   In sentence 2, we learn new information which is out of context until we get to the end of the sentence. In sentence 3, the context comes first, preparing us to understand the rest of the sentence.

   Leading a sentence or paragraph with new information may surprise--or confuse--your readers because you haven't given them a transition. You may say, "But my readers are intelligent enough to understand the shift in thought." Maybe so, but what if they interpret it differently than you intend? If you want readers to arrive at your meaning, then give them a smooth road to travel.

   Other transitions may simply be guide words describing a time, place, limit, or viewpoint:

   • During the next few months ...
   • As an electrical engineer ...
   • In liberal arts colleges ...
   • With selected samples ...

   Application: Continue the exercise sampled above. Sentences a and b are already revised.

   • a. Catalytic converters are required equipment on almost all new cars sold in the U.S.
   • b. The purpose of these converters is to remove undesirable emissions, particularly sulfates, from the cars' exhaust gases.
   • c. More efficient operation is demonstrated by some catalytic converters than by others.
   • d. The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has recently compared two converter designs.
   • e. The catalyst is in pellets (like mothballs) in the first design, called the pelleted converter.
   • f. The second design, called a monolithic converter, has its catalyst in a single cylinder, like an ancient Egyptian monolith.
   • g. Cars equipped with each type of converter were driven by the EPA over a standardized route in order to compare the two designs.
   • h. Sulfates were stored by both converters when used at the low speeds of city driving, whereas both emitted sulfates when used at the higher speeds of highway driving.
   • i. The pelleted converter exhibited a greater sulfate storage capacity.
   • j. At low speeds, only 23 percent of the sulfur in the gasoline was released by the pelleted converter.
   • k. The monolithic converter released 92 percent at low speeds.
   • l. The pelleted converter released a much greater proportion of its stored sulfur when used at higher speeds.
   • m. A characteristic desired by the EPA is possesed by the pelleted converter: it is able to store sulfates in the more densely populated urban areas, where people drive slowly, and then release those sulfates in the less densely populated suburban and rural areas, where people drive faster.

   (This exercise taken from Paul V. Anderson, Technical Writing: A Reader- Centered Approach, Second Edition, Harcourt-Brace, 1991)

   "The position of the words in a sentence is the principal means of showing their relationship. Confusion and ambiguity result when words are badly placed." (Strunk & White)

   FIVE WAYS TO COORDINATE YOUR SENTENCES & PARAGRAPHS

   1. Repeat key words near the front of each sentence: words that echo the content of earlier sentences. Such repetition is helpful, not boring.
   2. Use transitional words or phrases within the first six words of each sentence.
   3. Keep a strong subject-verb / actor-action sequence in your sentences.
   4. Place familiar material in the first half of your sentences and new or unfamiliar material in the second half.
   5. Write from the point of view most comfortable for your readers.

   Application: Review your writing for its coordination. Rewrite a passage, strengthening the links between sentences and paragraphs.

   ---

   4. EMPHASIZE!

   "When you say something, make sure you have said it.
   The chances of your having said it are only fair."
   --Strunk & White The Elements of Style

   Concise, fast-moving, coordinated sentences nearly guarantee you that you will "connect" with your readers. All that is left is for you to understand how to emphasize some thoughts more than others. To do this you must pay attention to word order, sentence structure, sentence length, and sentence/paragraph rhythm.

   Word order: listen to these sentences.

   1. Investigators cracked the mystery of the crash after months of painstaking analysis. vs.

   2. After months of painstaking analysis, investigators cracked the mystery of the crash.

   3. We slid into our Irish rental car with more than a little trepidation, anticipating the challenge of "roundabouts," a right-sided steering wheel, and left-lane driving.

   4. Anticipating the challenge of "roundabouts," a right-sided steering wheel, and left-lane driving, we slid into our Irish rental car with more than a little trepidation.

   Notice that sentences 2 and 4 are not only more emphatic but they also contain better transitions into the new idea.

   Structure: grammatical form helps you to emphasize or de-emphasize information.

   5. We lost our data in March, but we still managed to write an outstanding report by May 1. [Compound sentence suggests that each of the two independent clauses is of equal importance.]

   vs.

   6. Although we lost our data in March, we still managed to write an outstanding report by May 1. [Now the single independent clause contains the more emphatic information, while the opening dependent clause is a stage-setter, not an equal. The sentence is complex--one independent clause and one or more dependent clauses.

   This sentence also could have been written with an opening phrase:
   Despite losing our data in March ....
   Now you have written a simple sentence with a stage-setting phrase.
   NOTE: Clauses have subjects and verbs; phrases do not.

   7. The data, which we had lost three days before, turned up too late to help us. [The "which" clause revives the memory of a mistake and those responsible for it.]

   8. The lost data turned up three days too late to help us. [Limiting the mistake to one word means less weeping and gnashing of teeth.]

   Sentence Length

   As we have seen already, sharp word order and sentence structure improve emphasis. By varying the length of your sentences within a paragraph, you gain another way to be emphatic.

   Notice how varied sentence length affects rhythm and emphasis in this passage:

   9. "Ever since they were discovered in the early 1960s, quasars have confounded astronomers. At first, they seemed to be ordinary stars, bluish in visible light. Radio telescopes and spectroscopy revealed something very different: objects of incredible energy at a mind-boggling distance. Quasars evidently sat at the far reaches of the universe and burned with the intensity of many billions of stars.

   "With improved telescopes, quasars have been observed at frequencies across the electromagnetic spectrum, from x-ray to visual light to gamma ray. In fact, they're not properly called quasars (for quasistellar radio sources) anymore. The correct term is active galactic nuclei. Whatever they're called, they remain an intriguing puzzle." --"Soft Quasars," David Pacchioli Research/Penn State, December 1993

   Notice how the sentences in the first paragraph grow longer as the writer explores the mystery of quasars. The first two 12-13 word sentences set the stage; the 16-word third sentence reveals (with the help of a colon) the surprising truth; and the final 20-worder further elaborates upon quasar location and behavior.

   In the second paragraph the sentences shrink instead of expand: one 21-worder followed by three sentences of about eight words each (not counting the parenthetical definition in sentence two). Coming after a long sentence, short sentences are naturally emphatic.

   You needn't count words when you write. As you revise, though, see whether your sentences differ enough in length to be interesting and emphatic. Be sure that your short sentences contain information that should be emphasized. Check for accurate word order and sentence structure, too.

   Practice:

   1. As you will note from the letter, your talk should last about one hour and the date is October 15.

   2. The general procedure was to show slides or movies about the products, or in many instances the actual products were brought along.

   3. Under the best of conditions there exists a 215 F thermal shock, and under the worst conditions the shock amounts to 480 F.

   4. Unlike a roof inspection, which can be rechecked by a local representative without the use of rigging and scaffolding, two skilled men, who are not normally available locally, are required to make the tank inspection.

   5. It goes without saying, of course, that the sealed shaft precludes negotiating a curve, and we hope these comments are of value to you.

   Application to Your Writing and Reading:

   1. Evaluate one piece of writing for sentence length and structure. Note whether you have variety in each case. Choose a paragraph or segment which lacks variety and revise it, attempting to increase emphasis and interest by varying the length and structure of the sentences.

   2. Locate one well-written article or passage in a newspaper, magazine, or textbook. Evaluate it for sentence length and structure, noting how the writer has used each for emphasis and interest.

   ---

   5. TUNE!

   Finally, you can test the sum effect of your writing by considering how it appeals to the eye, ear, mind, and heart.

   How does it strike the reader's eye?
   Every page should invite the reader to jump in!

   • all paragraphs are manageable (max. 12-16 lines);
   • each page has enough white space not to appear crowded;
   • informative, thoughtful headings raise interest
   • some information appears in bulleted or numbered lists for easy reading and referral;
   • other highlighting devices (italics, underlining, bold type, etc.) are used where suitable;
   • topic and transitional sentences sustain interest and keep readers on track.

   How does it strike the reader's ear?
   The language and tone should fit the audience, topic, and purpose.

   • words are friendly and appropriate to the education and experience of the audience;
   • tone is appropriate: congenial, professional but not "stuffy," condescending or cynical;
   • relationship with audience is supportive, regardless of whether the message is good or bad.

   How does it strike the reader's mind?
   The order and design should appear logical, practical, and well-suited to audience and purpose.

   • in routine messages, important information comes first, followed by explanatory details;
   • in sensitive or bad news messages, explanation comes first, followed by the difficult message
   • in longer memos or reports, a summary is provided at the start and the body of the message is organized for selective reading (scanning) by an audience with different interests and needs.
   How does it strike the reader's heart?
   The message should leave its readers feeling more rather than less human.
   • words and tone reveal writer's interest, energy, and enthusiasm; writer appeals to highest qualities of the audience;
   • writer takes a positive approach, regardless of the topic;
   • writer uses humor where appropriate;
   • writer invites a response.

   "When we consider the richness, the good sense and strict economy of English, none of the other living languages can be put beside it." Jacob Grimm

   Application:

   Apply this tuning test to a range of messages which you send and receive. Taking into account the different purposes of these messages, how successfully do they appeal to eye, ear, mind, and heart?

   Note:

   This same tuning test works for evaluating oral presentations, with one adjustment:
   appeal to the eye rests in the speaker's appearance, mannerisms, and use of visual support such as the board, overheads, posters, demonstration, power point, etc.

   ---

   Page maintained by Dan Hyde, hyde@bucknell.edu Last update September 20, 1997
   Back to Computer Science Department's Home page.